Woo has had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his Grandad is no longer with us. Truth be told we all are, but Willy, his mother,  his brothers and I can at least understand the concept of death.  I wasn’t sure how Woo would react to his death Grandad’s death, but I was certain that there would be an endless supply of questions.

I think he has asked a million questions in the last week, and we have answered them all, even if it hurt to answer, if they made us cry, or if they were somewhat inappropriate, like when he asked where Grandad’s head was.  That one that still has me wondering, and occasionally laughing at, his perception of death.  It seems that his perception of death is that your head comes off when you die.

The questions continued and were asked repeatedly, enough so that it made me worry that we weren’t adequately responding.  I turned to my friends on twitter and got some great resources, and reassurance that we were.  They reminded me that death is a really hard concept for the young children to understand.  We kept the answers simple, truthful and repeated as needed.  We did ask Woo to try and save his questions for just us, just for this trip. We explained that Gramma was sad, and that she might not be able to answer his questions.  He was so good about asking us discretely, but I still question the wisdom of that decision, whether we were sending the right message.

He is definitely aware of the significance of the fact that his Grandad passed away.  He uses it as an ice-breaker when meeting new people, and when seeing friends.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that you don’t generally introduce yourself to the neighbours with “my Grandad died”, as I know he is just processing.  Sadly, this is how some of the neighbours found out about his passing.

I was somewhat shocked at the amount that Goose is aware and understands.  I figured that she would notice our upset, but that would be the extent of her awareness.  I was wrong.  When she woke on friday morning, she asked “Mommy, did Grandad die?  Is that why he is not here?”  It made me cry, knowing that she was that aware.  She is not as focussed on the death, but aware. I knew that she would sense the change, see the sadness.  I didn’t think she would understand at all.

Having the lils with us helped us in many ways.  They were a distraction, if nothing else.  They let us focus our energies on them, and not dwell on who wasn’t there.  At times they made us laugh, when we did not think that we would.  They even too care of us, dolling out hugs and kisses, and wiping away our tears.

We are home now, and I know that they are both hurting too, and there is nothing that I can do to help that, other than offer my love. It’s hard though, when I am hurting too. Woo has been so cranky these days, prone to fits of crying at the slightest upset.  I don’t always handle it well, and then I feel guilty.  Goose is showing some of the same behaviour, but it is difficult to tell if she is just acting like her brother.  Hopefully getting back to routine will help.  They had a good day today, but they are still not their happy go lucky selves. They continue to fight, to act out.  We’re fumbling along, and I just hope that we are helping them.

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My father-in-law lost his fight with cancer today.  We are processing and planning to go to be with Willy’s family tomorrow.  And we’re sad.  We told the lils after dinner, and they were sweet. Goose doesn’t understand, but was full of hugs because we were sad, Woo wiping away my tears.  It helps, but it hurts.

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I am that happy kinda tired that comes with getting a lot of things done. It has been a long time since I have felt motivated and STAYED motivated to fill a day with projects and carry them out, so I am one happy girl. I also rediscovered my joy of all things cooking, another win.

I started the day off with canning tomatoes. I wanted to do this to replace some of my dependence on canned tomatoes, and the large amounts of salt that are added to them. I have done a fair bit of canning, but mostly the jam/jelly type, so this was a new experience. I had it in my head that I would end up with only a couple of jars from the 80 tomatoes that I had, so started off with six 500ml jars prepped. As I blanched and peeled I noted that my original guess was wrong and kept adding jars. In the end I produced eight litres of crushed tomatoes!! I am so happy that I was able to produce so many jars! So happy that I am planning on doing it again on thursday. It would be easier if I had a partner though. Anyone free on thursday?

I then made the horrible mistake of heading to the grocery store. On a Sunday afternoon! It was jam-packed and slower than molasses, but I returned home with the essential ingredients for my next task – nut-free chocolate chips. When Woo finished his quiet time we started on zucchini bread. He loves to cook, and I love to cook with him, so the next hour flew by. His generally loves the measuring and the mixing, but the fact that we were adding chocolate chips at the end made this his new favourite recipe.

After the loaves were out of the oven, my sous-chef and I set about making dinner, a creamy-curried pasta that is relatively easy and really yummy. It’s a family favourite that I don’t make often enough, so I was pleased to have Willy suggest it. I just put the finishing touches on Potato-Leek-Parsnip soup for tomorrow, so even though I am tired, I am ahead of the game!

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It’s not like we get a lot of calls, or that I mind the local calls.  It’s the multiple ring that means its long distance.  I clench my teeth, my heart starts racing, and I check the caller ID.  Usually it’s a telemarketing call and I am relieved. Yes, relieved.  Sometimes it is from family.  Those calls have been pretty normal update calls so far, but I know that they won’t always be.

I don’t want it to be that call, the one that tells us my FIL has gotten worse.  I told Willy that I felt this way, now I am afraid that I might have passed my fears on to him.  Being so far away (even when it is not that far) is hard.  I see the stress beginning to bubble to the surface, and I hate that it is.  We are so powerless at the moment.

I hate cancer.

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Woo has dabbled in bargaining for a while, but he has really started in earnest at bedtime. He is forever asking for just one more story, one more kiss, one more tuck. He gets indulged a lot (because who can  refuse their little boy asking for a hug and kiss in the dark), but I do try to set some boundaries.

His nighttime routine is that he gets a story at bedtime, then gets to play quietly in his room for 30 or 40 minutes, then her gets cuddles and goes to sleep. Some nights he is more energetic than others, and comes visit Willy and I. Each time he is brought back, and told how much longer he can play for. When he hears the number, he almost always asks for one more minute – if I say 5, he asks for 6. Last night he upped the ante, asking for 100 more minutes when I told him I would return in 10! I laughed, then suggested that maybe we could meet in the middle on this one, offering 15 minutes. He looked at me like I had three heads and said no, 100 minutes was good. He then turned back to his trains, dismissing me.  I guess we have some work to do on compromises.

He has also discovered V-8, and thinks that it is the BEST. DRINK. EVER. He asks for it several times a day, and will easily consume a small can in the blink of an eye. Mostly he prefers to savour it though. I am all good with this, as veggies are a struggle these days. I know he likes them so I keep serving them, he knows I want him to eat them, he keeps refusing them. Puree them and put them in a can, he is all over them. The best part? He thinks that V-8 is a treat!!

After dinner tonight Willy and I which lil we were tucking on to bed, and Woo piped in with his preference, “I want mom tonight”, he said, “because I love her, and I like her hair”. Good enough for me!!

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We were so excited to see the lils last night. We had each left them for work trips in the past, but this was the first trip where we had both gone away together.  It was a pretty easy first trip away.  We were only gone for thirty-six hours, they were in very capable hands, doing all sorts of crazy fun things, and we were pretty preoccupied.  I didn’t worry about them, even when I called to say “hi” on sunday morning, and got a tearful Woo screaming for his mommy. I might have worried for my sister and brother-in-law a bit at that point.

We had the long train ride home to let the anticipation build, to focus on happy things.  Willy had a nap, and the wireless was not working on the train so I got psyched up to see them.  We got off the train and bolted for the car.  I didn’t even want to stop and take pictures of the pretty sunset!  (I still took pictures, just the high-speed variety).  Luckily the ride is a short one, and we were there before we knew it.

I went running up the laneway and saw an excited Woo run to the front window screaming “Hi, Hi, Hi”, making my heart swell.  I was barely in the house when Goose threw herself at me, “mommy, mommy, mommy”, melting it all the more. I needed that.

You can read all about their AWESOME weekend on Neeroc’s blog, here and here.

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Willy and I are heading to visit my in-laws in the morning, on a very early train. We debated whether we should bring the lils, but decided against it. My father-in-law is quite ill, so we didn’t want to scare them, or have Woo’s last memory of his grandfather be of him frail and sick and sad. Goose is too young to understand, but Woo does. We hope that he will remember the week that we spent with them in the summer. That left us with a dilemma, of who to ask to take them for the two days that we will be gone.

I was chatting with my sister online earlier this week, and asked if she would consider taking one (or possibly both) of the lils. She jumped on it, and said she would take care of them both!! Her daughter V has apparently been fantasizing about this for a while, so the crazy woman jumped at the chance. I am so eternally grateful, it takes a huge load off of our shoulders. I’d love to thank my brother-in-law, but I am not sure that he knows yet.

I told Woo yesterday, and he has been over the moon since. He has it all planned out. He, V, and Goose are going to sleep in her bed together. He is not worried that it is a toddler bed, as he will sleep on the bottom, then V, then Goose – ordered by size to be fair you know. When they are not sleeping, they will be JUMPING! ON! THE! BED! and various other hairbrained schemes that have been explained to me with gales of laughter, some of it maniacal. I have shared some of these with my sis, but some she will just have to experience.

My sis has a fabulous weekend planned, one that includes Cosmic Adventures, the Lumieres, apple picking, the hot air balloons, and time with my brother and sister-in-law, all things that I know all three lils will love. Hell, I’d love to do!! I hope that she takes LOTS of pictures.

I am so grateful that they are willing to do this for us. I know that C and B are fabulous parents, and that they love my lils like they were their own, so I have no doubts that they will be well cared for. I must admit that I do have a hard time shaking the memory of the last time that my sis babysat me. I was 12, she was 16, we came home in the back of a police car, and had to wake the neighbours at dawn to let us in our house.

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Willy and I both love to read, and seem to have passed this on to the lils. They frequently present us with books to be read, read on their own, and always ask us to read them just one more whenever we finish a story. We are happy they are so enamoured with books, and hope it keeps up.

They each have their favourites, the books that they hear many times a day. One that has been a favourite for each lil is “Dinosaur Roar“. It is a cute little book of rhymes that uses dinosaurs to illustrate opposites. Each page has a pair, such as dinosaur fast and dinosaur slow, or dinosaur above and dinosaur below. It’s cute and short and has always been enjoyed by both the lils and Willy and I.

A few weeks back Goose decided that she was “dinosaur slimy”. We giggled enough that it stuck, and every time I read the book to her, she would point at slimy and say “that’s Goose”. A week or so later she decide that Woo was dinosaur sweet, and added him to the routine, now pointing out both the Goose and Woo dinos. Last week was Willy’s turn, and he became dinosaur clean. Today I was added to the list. I am dinosaur GRUMPY.

I know that grumpy is not a word that she fully understands (I hope), but it hit a little close to home when she showed me.  Now I ask, what was wrong with dino fast, strong, even spiky or fierce?? I guess it could have been worse – I could have been dinosaur fat or dinosaur lumpy.

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Sometimes the lils say something that makes us pause and shake our heads. We don’t understand, but move on. Most of the crazy things that they say are forgotten before you can formulate a question about it. Woo has come up with something that stuck lately, and Willy and I can’t figure out what the hell it is that he is talking about.

It started with him calling Goose “toila, toila”. He’d do it several times a day, and each time she responds with an indignant, “I’m NOT toila, toila”. It went on several times a day, for a couple of weeks. He then started asking for the toila, toila song. EVERY DAY. Then he started singing it himself, and it became the “toila purple” song. He’d insist we sing it – but neither of us know the lyrics. Tonight, it became the purple toila song. He insists I know it, and must sing it at bed time. I am still mystified.

Goose has been coming up with her own games of late. My personal favourite is the one that she started when she got sick this week. She comes up to me and says “I wanna play cuddles”, and climbs into my lap and cuddles. It is the sweetest thing EVER, just melts my heart every time. We play cuddles all day long, it never gets old.

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I was asleep when Willy arrived home last night, but woke when he crawled into bed. We stayed up late talking and crying about his weekend. It was beyond tough, as he learned that his father has very little time left. I think that we both knew that this day would come, but pushed those thoughts aside to focus on his fight to health. Unfortunately his body is shutting down, and I am not sure that there is much more the doctors can do.

Willy said his goodbyes before he left, uncertain if we would be to make it back to see him again. It was hard to hear this, knowing that I wasn’t there to support him through this, but also that I might not get to do the same. We are planning to go back this weekend, but that seems a long way off.

I don’t know what to do now. I am trying to find some resources to help Woo, but drawing a blank. He knows that his Grandfather is sick, but I don’t know how to talk to him or what else to do/say. Goose is so young, but perceptive that we can’t forget her too.

Willy did have some good talks with his family, and knows that they will support each other through this. He also mentioned that he found a way to get away and focus on other things when the hospital became too crowded. I was excited to hear that he indulged on some retail therapy! Sadly, he is not very good at it, buying everything on sale and spending less than $50. I’ll have to give him some pointers.

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