As I see it, the real problem with putting yourself out there is not what others think about you, but what you think of yourself afterwards. In the back of my mind I know that this is a risk, but sometimes I get brave and put myself way out there anyway. It’s about growth and challenging myself.
When I read one of my blog posts in public last week, I took that risk. It was not something I would normally do, but something I wanted to do, to experience. Since I started writing this blog, I discovered that I really like writing, that I want to write, tell stories, and share my views. This event was another way to tell my story, and I jumped at the opportunity to submit a tale. To say that I was honoured and excited would be understating. I was also very anxious about not being able to get up and share.
On the night of I was a bundle of nerves, but had practiced, and in the end felt that I delivered my post well. What I didn’t anticipate was that I would walk away feeling so inadequate. There were twenty extremely talented people who read around me. They made me laugh and cry and made me appreciate the work that they put into their writing. I walked away feeling that I was not anywhere near their league. How was I even in the same room as them, sharing the same stage? It’s days later, and this has saddened me and paralyzed me. Where do I go from here?
Right now I am in a holding pattern. Part of me says keep doing what you are doing, part of me says forget about it all, and the rest says get better. Do more. Put yourself out there. The right answer is to commit to doing something that I enjoy and improve. But that means I have to put myself out there, and I am not sure I am ready for that.
Oh sweetie, don’t make me smack you.
I don’t really mean that. One of the reasons I so loved reading the diaries of Virginia Woolf was purely for the delight of reading how, every single time she published a book, she then ended up wailing to her husband that it was absolute donkey puke, and then he would calmly say “this always happens” and she would say “no but this time it’s REALLY BAD”. We all have that inner voice that tells us everyone else is better. It’s the very essence of the difference between ‘subjective’ and ‘objective’.
Not a single other person there thought you couldn’t measure up to the other readers. Strangle the horrible little voice that’s telling you that. It doesn’t know what the hell it’s talking about.
I was at BOLO to support a friend. I’m a non-blogger. I don’t even read blogs. I’m just too critical. And busy. I’m an English professor. When I’m not teaching or marking essays, I’m writing for publication. So for what it’s worth, in my professional opinion, I loved your piece and its delivery. I would not say that of every piece I heard, and you know I mean it if I’m bothering to not only read but comment on a blog. (I saw your blog’s name, which I remembered, on Twitter, and was excited to read a new post of yours.) In fact, I’m having a problem coming to grips with some recently discovered “traces” myself, so I’ve had reason to invoke your verbiage and smile. Now it looks like I’m going to have to start doing some blog reading after all! So thanks for putting yourself out there.
You belonged it that group reading your post out loud. There was a selection process, and there were others not chosen. It’s hard to be out there and open, but I’m glad you are trying. Just figure out which part you need to swear at, and it’ll all work out.
You were fantastic, but it wasn’t just about the fact that you are a great speaker with great timing – your writing spoke for itself.
The great thing with blogging? It’s your space. You can do it as often or little as you like, about whatever you like until you find where you feel most at home.
Oh sweetie, I’m sorry BOLO made you feel that way but I have to say, I completely identify. I’ve felt that way myself just from reading other blogs and blog posts that are deep, meaningful, and well written. It makes me wonder what the hell I’m doing over on my blog.
It can be very hard not to compare yourself to others but in the end, I just needed to find my own peace with what I do. My blog, in the end, is for me, not my audience (although don’t get me wrong, I love my readers and their comments!). I’ll never be the kind of person who can lay out my personal life or talk about my deepest feelings online. I’ll never be comfortable sharing my secrets. Instead, I’ll continue to write fluffy pieces about birthday parties and Dance Show, and know that it fulfills a creative outlet for me, lets me share with my friends, and keeps a record of my life that I enjoy reading more than anyone else.
And that’s enough.
This is totally normal. Even when we think/ know we have done a good job it is hard not to compare ourselves to others and think we could have done better. I am awfully good at telling my kids that they can’t always be the best and that they have to practice to get better, but boy do I suck at taking my own advice.
What Allison said. And if the voice isn’t easily strangled I’ll kick it while it’s down for you. It’s hard to ingore what’s going on around you and not compare yourself to others. The great thing about blogging is that there isn’t a right or wrong way to do it just your way and that’s what’s right (and most important) for you.
You, my dear, have a great talent, not only for writing but for presenting it with feeling and passion.
Don’t sell yourself short. You were fantastic.
I wasn’t even there but I know you rocked it. Don’t stop – ignore that small part of you that is still “lizard brain”. (google it )
I feel just the same way that you do, and I usually feel woefully inadequate after reading blogs, let along at BOLO where everyone was reading their best work.
But I think you rocked it, and I always look forward to reading what you have to say. I’ll meet up with you again next year at BOLO, and before that too for wine 🙂
I vote keep at it as long as it still makes you happy 🙂 I love it when people put themselves out there and share the real them 🙂 Makes for great connections.